Hope everyone’s holidays were joyful, as for mine, not so much. This holiday season presented one of the most difficult life challenges I’ve yet to encounter. The morning of Christmas Eve, my mother unexpectedly passed away. Five minutes before I received the phone call, I posted a photo of my sister, myself, my mom and daughter at the Nutcracker the previous night. Later that evening once I was over the initial shook, I updated my facebook status with the news. My news feed read:
- December 23, 2011 4:55 pm Status ‘very excited to be going to the Nutcracker’
- December 24, 2011 11:09 am Photo posted title ‘@ Nutcracker with my mom, sister and Simone’
- December 24, 2011 8:23 pm ‘
Wow, here was a chronology via social media technology capturing how quickly my life had changed, forever. The responses from my post were overwhelming. The outpouring of kind words from a virtual international community provided support and comfort in a way I had never imagined.
Technology is so intrinsic in everyday life, not just as a means of make a living, but here it was/is playing a part in assisting me through one of the most somber times in my life. Not only did technology act as a platform allowing people to share words of encouragement and comfort, but the use of technology was key in planning my mom’s memorial too. From scanning in old photos that were used in a slideshow presented at the memorial, to creating the funeral program from a template found online as well as showing a video posted on youtube of my mom and son. Additionally, working on creating a memorial site via Legacy.com and writing this blog has provided to be somewhat cathartic.
While technology is woven into our lives and is present in all life stages from baby videos, wedding announcements, party invites, etc., it still has limitations. One, it can’t stop people from making WTF statement while expressing their sympathies. Sadly, this is not my first time dealing with the loss of a loved one, so I have quite a bit of experience with condolences. Because people’s intentions are good, I do not get upset when their choices of words are flat out bad. Here are my top 6 things that should not be said (had 10 but could only narrow down to 6, all from real life experience):
6-“What happened!?” You are asking them to relive a very painful event and chances are you are not the first. If they choose to share, great, otherwise, don’t ask.
5-”I left you several messages and texts, how come you didn’t call me back?” I am guessing they are preoccupied and the last thing they need is more pressure.
4-“This is awful!” “This is so terrible!””You must feel horrible” Pretty sure they know these things and are feeling pretty bad, no need for reinforcement there.
3-“I don’t do well with death” “I don’t like Death” Not about you and your process. Truth be told, unless their name is Dr. Kevorkian, chances are they are not throwing a ticker tape parade for the arrival of the Grim Reaper even in situations where the person who has passed may have been suffering.
2-“You have loss so many people in your life, your brother, your dad…” Roll call of their loss loved ones, not needed. I have a hunch, they know.
1- “I know this may be inappropriate, but you look good in that dress” A man said this to me while I was preparing to speak at my mom’s memorial. First, if you prefix your sentence with “I know this is inappropriate” stop right there. Second, Really!?
An ultimate limitation of technology is while it does enable me to be connected to many people; it can’t replace or replicate connecting with people. Making a connection with a person can be done sitting down and sharing memories over a cup of coffee, hiking through the Oakland Hills sharing stories of the past and ideas of the future, a long phone conversation, going to dinner with girlfriends, taking a family road trip or just a good old fashion hug. At my mom’s memorial, when I got up to speak and saw my family and friends there to share their support and love, they did not have to say anything, they did not have to post a comment or hit reply button; just their presence said it all and immediately a connection was made in my heart forever.
